I've found that the less agreeable an animal is in general, the quicker he bonds with me. I try not to think too hard about that, but I do believe at least part of it is because they sense that I don't buy that beasts of lesser sentience
These prickly dobermans have been helping me tap into my competitive energy & to rise above doubts I didn't have before schizophrenia & warring (dis)realities
The dobes have been keeping me company while I overhaul everything to try to capture the essence of a man whose mother seems to feel he is the beneficiary of my exploitation. At first even her silences were filled with reproach. I've interviewed the parents, including one video interview, 3 times. I've tried to absorb the demands & ultimatums casually. I've rewritten every write-bite & backstory to accompany his photos. I've taken out the pictures they've disapproved of. I've set him up his own Corner of True in the largest room. His mother still considers 50% of the space~ without the blood, meat hooks, or ASAP music she'd originally despaired over~both trashy & traitorous. It isn't true or completely accurate. Well, it is usually the inaccurate stories that are complete, the accurate ones never are.
About half the ways this human tempest was differently there are now an absent presence. His mother's eyes are bright & piercing with panic while I keep switching out her word: recklessness for mine: romanticism. I have been able to gently suggest that she is working out some blame & guilt in the details. Very gently.
The only thing I haven't done is put in the stuffed animal that she gave me from his childhood, because this is 5% of an exhibit taking up 60% of my time. Although Boss has been very understanding about my need to validate this Mom's memory of her son, if any of this looks like a sequel to The Muppets Take Manhattan when I'm done, he will kill me.
On the surface, constantly submitting myself before the judgment of a still-grieving mother who lost her only son to AIDS seems like
And. I have my own schizophrenic philosophical conundrum. How can I, with bouts of unreality, terror-reality, & hyperreality, ever know what is true?
And. Her son is insistent at the window of my mind, beseeching. Because he knows his mother is lashing out at what she believes she has done & what she believes she failed to do. If I can get this right, attain some slender level of truth for her~ between here & gone, the nature of love & what remains~ he can move on knowing that she is going to be alright.
Over identifying? Why, yes.
Boss:(smiling perplexedly)You are dripping wax(picking up a small feather & sniffing it?) all over my blond hardwood floor because his mother asked you to?
Me:No.(pointing)In that picture he is Icarus.
Boss: Ah,I miss being odd & ardent(he is still odd & ardent). I've rewound some of the things you've said to his mom & played them in my head as if they were for me. But what happens if you can't get his mother closer to healing? And you realize that wasn't supposed to be the point of any of this? (I ignored that last sentence)
Me: I'm not allowing that as a possibility. I'll work on you next(he pocketed the feather).
Boss: Next? I think it may be parallel.
ha. how interesting on the honoring of the son...and you really should work in the stuffed animal...dobes and i have had a love hate relationship honestly...i was treed by one at a young age (really it wasnt my fault...much) but then he laid under the tree waiting for my leg...not fun...but later in life we have a healthy respect...and i still my leg...
ReplyDeletehopefully should i ever need an organ you will have one to spare...smiles....thanks for the chuckle...
DeleteYou must be totally in love to be putting up with that crap.
ReplyDeleteIf you were only one of the Dobes, you could bite first and then go lick yourself in a corner.
oh dear!
ReplyDeleteALOHA from Waikiki!
Comfort Spiral
~ > < } } ( ° > <3
When I was dealing with NHL I knew you would look after my dad, but a very specific type of person keeps her son's stuffed animals into his adulthood and after his death.
ReplyDeleteWax and feathers. Love it.
The nature of love and what remains. I probably think about that too much.
My throat seized up at terror-reality. I am always here for you.LuvU,Am.
I think the boss is right, you are doing both. Placating mom, trying to redirect and do what ever the heck you are doing with the presentation or layout in memory of....
ReplyDeleteI love the explaination of your relationship with the Dobes and how you are reading them. BUT watch it, and don't over play your hand, dem dudes say 'I'm sorry' much after your pain.
But then I am sure you can give them a look that would stop them in their tracks. Remember they work on an 8th grade vocabulary like me. Don't blow it.
Love ya, enjoyed the read, you are my TRIP!
I guess the fact that she lets you possess & arrange the stuffed animal implies some trust in both you and life in general? Has she said what she expects at the end of all this?
ReplyDeleteI hope the word 'Closure' is never mentioned...(God,I HATE that word.......Closure never will & never can.)
The World would be a better place if it had more gay Dobermans in it...........
This mom is quite old & comes from a quite genteel background.
DeleteThe pictures will eventually be(rather high-end)privately sold. In Manhattan everyone tends to think everything is about money so some felt when the dust cleared the real issue for the mom would be cash~since at first she'd thought she had some claim to the pictures. She has no such claim; her son never owned the pictures.
She wasn't interested in the money(& I'd never thought she was). She was just using that to try to block the viewing/sale of them. She doesn't want her son used as a cautionary tale(never our intent) & she doesn't want his image tarnished(we differ on thoughts of what tarnishes an image).
What she wants now is evolving. Now it appears to be blending the gentle boy he was with her with the erotic wild boy he presented to the rest of the world. But the pain, guilt, & blame she's never dealt with, it is there too~really it is the most important part.
She does trust me more now. Enough to come to terms with over 50% of his Corner of True. We are getting there. She even let me put the song "Wild Boys" back in. And he was, but he wasn't just.
I wrote another entry, sorry.
The fury of being left behind is mighty. This isn't misguided and it isn't a spiritual muddle either. The atheist psychiatrist in me has felt the same insistent knocking many times. It drums up fresh recruits when the old ones aren't up to the job.
ReplyDeleteA has a bag of egret feathers you can have if you promise not to bring us a batch of vegan cookies when you pick them up.
Hz
Loved reading this..
ReplyDeleteWith you being involved I know in the end she is going to be alright.
ReplyDeleteI grew up with several dobies. They are as sweet and gentle as can be with those they love and trust. They have excellent judgement about people - no wonder they are bonding with you.
And why do people who own Dobermans always have several instead of just one? Interesting.
I wonder if this is the kind of scene I will leave behind... with KT trying to curate the broken pieces together and coming up with something that she thinks is fitting for me but more for herself...
ReplyDeleteThere is a healing for everyone in this exhibit... and you have become like a conduit for the players involved through which they can heal and find a piece of peace with their own maddening lives...
...either that, or a latte from Starbucks..!
Hmm, let's see .. I'm trying to understand the Muppets bit and wondering if my soft snorty laughter in response was appropriate or no ...
ReplyDeleteThe opening paragraph had me chuckling and I'm like, yeesh, am I some insensitive galoot that I find this funny or is that The Point -- to find humor in what inexorably wrenches? I'm thinking this is your point, sweet Mary. If we are able to laugh, 'what is true' in the midst of fractured reality stands a fighting chance.
xx
The dog is nodding in agreement. A fine accompaniment to my coffee and a fly cigarette.
ReplyDeleteYour blog kicked me out. Here is the rest of my thoughts--It reads like a short chapter in a favored memoir. That evening I was darkly curious about her motives but I think I understand now. Living on the surface of life has hardened into habit for the mother and for boss. I've been there. The darkness underneath the top layer is intimidating and resistant to the iniitial, scary pokes of the psychic shovel. You are softening the groud for them. Give me a call when you need someone to soften the ground for you.
ReplyDelete-Jess
Heinz~I'll bring bacon; how about that?
ReplyDeleteMartha~Boss wanted one dog. He wound up with 3 because when he went to pick out one, these 3 brothers were all snuggled up together. He felt bad leaving any part of the group behind.
Suze~I find humor in almost everything, that & love keep me alive.
Jessie~The end of your comment brought me up short for a moment. I know you think I am too busy doing for others(Don shares this feeling, btw), a whirl of perfume, lipstick, & insight(as you said the night of the trial exhibit)~& not going "deep" enough to help myself, as in: not fighting hard enough to get my house & all the money back. The thing is all of this is helping me, & in an even deeper way than suing Habitat for Humanity for my house would.
You have been very good to me, but I don't need the ground softened. I'm not living on the surface, I just cannot bring myself to war against the board of a charity I used to be the treasurer of, especially since they've said I don't deserve the house back & that they would not even sell it to me. That sort of legal fight would hurt me emotionally right now. I can be whole & healthy without the house or the money.
this is an interesting and difficult work you're doing..can imagine that it is not easy for the mother but maybe there can be indeed some healing.. rgd. dobes..had a fun experience with one once..i was visiting someone for the first time and sat on the couch (on the dobes place) - so he first lay in front of me and eyed me for a while, then he sat next to me - in front of me on the floor, then he squished himself next to me on the couch until i only had very little space left but a warm dog by my side.. he was a lovely fellow..smiles
ReplyDeleteIt is funny how the best way to make friends with a cat is to ignore it.
ReplyDeleteI admire the way you put yourself out, finding the most appropriate way to honour the dead and the living. Your strength and dedication are remarkable.
ReplyDeleteMany of my gay friends are actually ‘married’ to their long-term partners. Like you, I can’t understand that they don’t prefer the single life. There must be something in the human psyche that predisposes us to sharing, life, the universe and everything. (quote)
Dear Mary, I've been reading your postings for a year and a half--at least--and I've never felt more aware and more attuned to your humanity than in this posting. I am in awe of your respect and compassion for the woman who as you say, may be seeking forgiveness for what she did or didn't do.
ReplyDeleteWhen I volunteered for three years at Ramsay Hospital in St. Paul, Minnesota, in the AIDS clinic, I met so many men who were HIV-positive and then died of full-blown AIDS and I met their mothers and their fathers--many of whom gave me the privilege of grieving with them.
Your kindness is so lovely. Fiercely lovely. Like flame. Peace.
There's a lot to be learned from the secret life of dogs where Dobermans reign supreme. They have learned to modify our behaviour by their uncompromisingly fierce dedication to their own needs - so which species, I ask, has adapted best to the rigours of 'civilization'??
ReplyDeletePS I know this isn't what your post was about, but it's all been said above.
there is so much to be gained by doing for others. my experience is the biggest bonus is getting out of self- huge huge bonus for me. although i have not had a pet around since i haven't had a roommate around- almost 12 years- it seems they do much the same thing in my memory. get me out of self and see myself through anonther set of eyes. my general sense is that these two distractions might be affording you these luxuries and one more- feeling love-able. at least i hope so.
ReplyDeleteGreat and thoughtful post. On the point of having children, you will know when the time is right. And sometimes there's no right time at all. Simple as that. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteGreetings from London.
You must have the patience of Job; I could never do it.
ReplyDeleteOnce I was a census taker during high school and entered the gates of a country property ignoring the Beware of Dogs sign (as most folks put up these signs even if they had no dogs or just a foo foo dog) and walked up a long drive being very serious about getting as many folks included in the census as possible (as the government employee trainers had impressed upon us during training). As I neared the front steps a doberman came rushing around the each corner of the house each one snarling and baring its teeth all the while getting closer by the seconds to devouring me. I gathered my notebook close to my chest with both of my hands and continued to walk slowly saying, good doggy, good doggy all the way to the front door. By the time I reached the large double wooden doors the dogs were wagging their short cropped tails and smiling, practically rubbing up against my legs. As I rang the doorbell they both sat down on either side of the door (after all they were very well trained and behaved). After quite some time (so long I didn't think anyone was coming and contemplating the long walk back to the gates with the dogs following me), a woman opened the door with a shocked (at someone actually making it to the front door) and then quizzical (what was the answer to this mystery) look on her face and said, "how did you get past the dogs". I just smiled and said I'm here to take a census report and launched into my (I'm sure it was lengthy) explanation of how important the census was. (To this day I think showing a lack of fear impressed the dogs that I offered no threat to their property and the homeowner) that being partially true and the fact that I knew I would never make it back to the gates before the dogs tore me from limb to limb so might as well bluff my way through it all.
I'm actually quite touched at how seriously you're taking it. I don't think you'd put the effort into something that doesn't deserve it. Bravo.
ReplyDeleteA very thoughtful post. Hub and I never had children, and that worked out just fine. I honestly don't think anyone bypasses the 'what to do stage' and think the hardest part is recognizing the answer is already there.
ReplyDeleteBurning Down the House is also one of my top Heads' tracks, too! :-) Thanks for your comment.
ReplyDeleteGreetings from London.
All you can do is your best at your job. Bosses sometimes over think about what their employee's are up to. Hang in there.
ReplyDelete